(: sunshine comes after the rain.

So you know how I told you that you never recover form an eating disorder?
I wasn't lying.
It's a daily battle.
Sometimes, I feel like it's defining me.

Bible verses constantly go through my head,
telling me I'm beautiful and worthy and made in God's image.

It's like a corny TV show,
with the devil and angel,
perched perfectly on either shoulder.

It's okay to miss a meal,
96 pounds, its beautiful.
Don't you miss the feeling?
Don't you feel light?
When no one was there you found comfort in me.
I want you to feel beautiful.
Maybe just lose a few more pounds?

You ARE beautiful!
You've been so good lately, so normal.
If you start, 
It will be worse than ever before.
God has given you purpose, 
why are you throwing that away?
Why do you think you are less than anyone else?
You should not measure by worldly merit,
YOU ARE GOD'S CHILD!
Stop trying to be your own.

That is the argument in my head.
CONSTANTLY.
So, out of habit,
I get on the scale everyday.
I got a virus,
got down to 98lbs.
The other day,
it read a dreadful number,
a trigger number,
96lbs.
Everything I've worked towards,
dwindling away with bad eating habits,
and heightened senses.
When I don't like a food,
I can't eat it.
Not I won't, but I can't.
My gag reflex kicks in,
I will throw up.
Every time.
Unavoidable.
So trying new things all depends on a list of things that trigger it.
Texture,
Smell,
Appeal,
Ect.

Do you know how hard it is to eat around people?
Their questions,
comments,
jokes,
its unending.

So,
am I weak?
Yes.
Is that bad?
No.
I am human.

My God uses weak people to lead the strong.
I am recovered,
everyday I chose to be recovered,
the same as everyday we chose to walk with God.

Do I get close to giving in?
Regularly.
Am I strong?
No.
God is.

Praise God,
for unconditional love.
I would have given up on me years ago.

Here's a look inside my head.
I hope you got the random encouragment God graced me with today.

Thank you for your eyes,
and time.

God bless.
-andriadawn