Lonely /:

^ this is Lite the kitten. David and my little Kitty.

Anxiety.
I wish it was as easy to handle as people believe.
I struggle.
I know,
I can do all things through Christ,
but I am human,
and lets face it,
we all struggle.

Have you ever felt so alone,
even though you weren't?
I sure do.

The people who used to love my unique sense on life,
now criticize me over it.
The people who said they would always be there,
have their own cliques now.
The people who praised me for not judging them,
haven't hesitated to judge me by what they don't know.

I have a background,
I have history,
my life hasn't always been peachy.
I HAVE done good for myself.
But that doesn't come into the equation,
because everyone is quick to assume the worst.

I have a lot to handle,
just like we all do.
I have huge dreams,
I want to reach out to the unloved.
Unfortunately the people who used to support that,
they would now rather stay in their comfort zones.

So, I feel alone.
But my God is stronger.
So I will continue through this struggle.

Godbless
-andriadawn

Respect.

People deserve a certain level of respect.
All people.
You should show that respect out of the decency of being a human.

Treat people better than you'd like to be treated.
Be nice to company.
Hold open a door.
Pull out a woman's seat.

Put away childish matters,
Act like someone you would respect.

Today I went to college orientation.
Whoo.
Meet new people.
No classes with David.
/:

My BFF Cammi came to orientation with me.
Yay.
Now I'm stuck in my struggle.
What do I deserve?

Well sorry for lack of pics.
thanks for reading.

godbless
-andriadawn

Today is a new day

A new day.
Another battle.
Another choice.

Finding myself.
Yeah right.
I can't do the impossible.

So. I found a kitten starving behind the dumpster at work.
He needs a lot of help.
David said if the vet bill wouldn't be too bad we could keep him.
(I think David likes him.)
But we may have to give him away.

Anyway, I'm falling in love with the little guy.
 Would I be crazy to say I miss my high school?
I miss my friends.
or at least, the closet I had.
I miss my teachers.
People who believed in me and encouraged me.

But here I am,
heading into junior college.
Things are changing.
The trick is,
allowing it to be God to change them.

I feel disconnected today,
like I'm rambling.
Sorry about that.

There have been a few things to knock me off track lately.
Satan has finally managed to get under my skin.
I'm fighting it though.

Now I have to go.
I have a bunny and a kitten to take care of.
Thank you  for listening to my rambling today,
sorry for the pointlessness.

(: sunshine comes after the rain.

So you know how I told you that you never recover form an eating disorder?
I wasn't lying.
It's a daily battle.
Sometimes, I feel like it's defining me.

Bible verses constantly go through my head,
telling me I'm beautiful and worthy and made in God's image.

It's like a corny TV show,
with the devil and angel,
perched perfectly on either shoulder.

It's okay to miss a meal,
96 pounds, its beautiful.
Don't you miss the feeling?
Don't you feel light?
When no one was there you found comfort in me.
I want you to feel beautiful.
Maybe just lose a few more pounds?

You ARE beautiful!
You've been so good lately, so normal.
If you start, 
It will be worse than ever before.
God has given you purpose, 
why are you throwing that away?
Why do you think you are less than anyone else?
You should not measure by worldly merit,
YOU ARE GOD'S CHILD!
Stop trying to be your own.

That is the argument in my head.
CONSTANTLY.
So, out of habit,
I get on the scale everyday.
I got a virus,
got down to 98lbs.
The other day,
it read a dreadful number,
a trigger number,
96lbs.
Everything I've worked towards,
dwindling away with bad eating habits,
and heightened senses.
When I don't like a food,
I can't eat it.
Not I won't, but I can't.
My gag reflex kicks in,
I will throw up.
Every time.
Unavoidable.
So trying new things all depends on a list of things that trigger it.
Texture,
Smell,
Appeal,
Ect.

Do you know how hard it is to eat around people?
Their questions,
comments,
jokes,
its unending.

So,
am I weak?
Yes.
Is that bad?
No.
I am human.

My God uses weak people to lead the strong.
I am recovered,
everyday I chose to be recovered,
the same as everyday we chose to walk with God.

Do I get close to giving in?
Regularly.
Am I strong?
No.
God is.

Praise God,
for unconditional love.
I would have given up on me years ago.

Here's a look inside my head.
I hope you got the random encouragment God graced me with today.

Thank you for your eyes,
and time.

God bless.
-andriadawn

another night...

Well.  Here I am. At home another night alone.
Granted, I have amazing friends.
I was invited to hang out tonight.
But, that who push people away thing lingers on.

I don't want to,
but I do...
I really want to hang out,
laugh,
do nails and make up,
have a great time.
The knots in my stomach stop me.
I don't feel entirely comfortable,
and I bail.

I am such a loser.
A loser that has no friends.
And that is totally my fault.

Mmmmmm.
Passion.
What I wouldn't do to figure out what it is i'm supposed to with it.
So much,
pouring out of my ears,
getting me involved in countless things I think are good causes.

I wish I could wave a wand and be normal.
Normal...
What is normal?
Who decides what is and isn't socially acceptable.

Death, murder, natural causes,
all socially acceptable to speak about.
"Mr. and Mrs.'s daughter died in a car accident."
-lots of ooh's and promises to pray-
"My brother passed away."
-Many condolences and pre-cooked meals-

"My best friend killed herself."
-silence-
Suicide is not socially acceptable.
But it affects others the same, if not worse,
so shouldn't it be talked about more often?

Society.
Take it at it's worst, love it at it's best.
Hmmm.

Well guys,
I'm babbling.
Thank you.
For lending me your eyes.

I'll let you lose, to do something better with your lives.

God Bless
-andriadawn

Naked, in front of the crowd.

So, I have come to realize that when things begin to bother me, I shut down.  I push people away to assure no one will care during my break down.  I put up walls and try hard to be as strong as I can.
But let's be honest, I'm human.
I've now decided to use my blog to overcome this problem.
I will stand naked in front of the crowd.
(don't feel bad, I started singing Anna Nalick 'just breathe; as well.)
I will open up my heart to my few blog readers, who probably could care less.
Consider yourself a professional psychologist.

You ever feel alone, even though there are people around always?  I sure do.  I've managed to push everyone who mattered away.  Except my dearly beloved David of course.  Unfortunately, he can't be everything, as hard as he tries.

You know how you have that best friend?  The one you can fool around with, hang out with, talk to, cry to? The one your never seen without?  Your maid of honor, your kid's god mother, your partner in crime, the one person you trust with anything?  The one person who cares if you live or die, the one who would cover for you no strings attached, that person you take a million pictures with, that person who supports your bad decisions?  Someone who is there when everyone is gone, someone who understands when no one else does, that one person who isn't your beloved, but meets all the same requirements?

I've had a few.
And I've managed to burn every bridge.
I come up with stupid things that don't really matter to push them away.
Every last person.
Because, I don't know how to deal with my emotions, and I don't want anyone else to care.
Why?
Because, I want desperately to be as strong as I try to look.
If I let someone in, they know the truth.  They see me when I'm hurt, when I'm a mess, when I'm less than perfect.

You can't truly heal from an eating disorder.
I mean, I eat, and I make daily attempts to unconditionally love myself.
But the whole strive for perfection thing lingers.
Even if its only for outward appearances.
Which is so against all my morals and beliefs.
Plus, my relationship with food is still totally weird, like i just hate some foods.  The smell, texture, i couldn't even get past any of that to get to taste.  And social eating events, oh my word, talk about an anxiety waiting to happen.  Its so difficult to handle, especially when no one understands.

So, I push people away.
Mostly so I appear, normal, or perfect, or, different than me.
Because lets face it,
I am a weird one.

There is my daily confession.

Would it be too much to ask for yours???

God bless
-andriadawn