Naked, in front of the crowd.

So, I have come to realize that when things begin to bother me, I shut down.  I push people away to assure no one will care during my break down.  I put up walls and try hard to be as strong as I can.
But let's be honest, I'm human.
I've now decided to use my blog to overcome this problem.
I will stand naked in front of the crowd.
(don't feel bad, I started singing Anna Nalick 'just breathe; as well.)
I will open up my heart to my few blog readers, who probably could care less.
Consider yourself a professional psychologist.

You ever feel alone, even though there are people around always?  I sure do.  I've managed to push everyone who mattered away.  Except my dearly beloved David of course.  Unfortunately, he can't be everything, as hard as he tries.

You know how you have that best friend?  The one you can fool around with, hang out with, talk to, cry to? The one your never seen without?  Your maid of honor, your kid's god mother, your partner in crime, the one person you trust with anything?  The one person who cares if you live or die, the one who would cover for you no strings attached, that person you take a million pictures with, that person who supports your bad decisions?  Someone who is there when everyone is gone, someone who understands when no one else does, that one person who isn't your beloved, but meets all the same requirements?

I've had a few.
And I've managed to burn every bridge.
I come up with stupid things that don't really matter to push them away.
Every last person.
Because, I don't know how to deal with my emotions, and I don't want anyone else to care.
Why?
Because, I want desperately to be as strong as I try to look.
If I let someone in, they know the truth.  They see me when I'm hurt, when I'm a mess, when I'm less than perfect.

You can't truly heal from an eating disorder.
I mean, I eat, and I make daily attempts to unconditionally love myself.
But the whole strive for perfection thing lingers.
Even if its only for outward appearances.
Which is so against all my morals and beliefs.
Plus, my relationship with food is still totally weird, like i just hate some foods.  The smell, texture, i couldn't even get past any of that to get to taste.  And social eating events, oh my word, talk about an anxiety waiting to happen.  Its so difficult to handle, especially when no one understands.

So, I push people away.
Mostly so I appear, normal, or perfect, or, different than me.
Because lets face it,
I am a weird one.

There is my daily confession.

Would it be too much to ask for yours???

God bless
-andriadawn