Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Everyday, it is war.

Here lie the remnants of what was once a stable life.  Every night you sleep in fear of what waits in the morning.  You have done all you can to be the best version of yourself, yet still the life around you remains shaky.

            Have things ever been any different?  Have the knots in your stomach ever not been there?  Sure, once upon a time you fit in with your surroundings.  Once upon a time you were weak, dependent  insecure, unstable, impulsive, depressed, rebellious, obsessive, self-destructive, and so much more.  Yes, this is your eating disorder we’re describing.

            So, you still struggle?  You still want to fall into that person?  Look around you, do you honestly wish to fit into the chaos?  Are you not any better than that?

            Your right, you’re not any better than that, but what you believe in is.  What you've grounded yourself in is strong, and much bigger than your struggles.  Your background is polluted, your roots are disintegrating; however your renewal is eternal, and your repentance is pure.

            Yes, your surroundings reflect the person you were, and the person you were working to become.  Yes, returning would be easy.  No, it’s not worth it.  No, your life does not have to be as condemned as you once were.

            In clarification, I’d like to state that you are nothing.  You are worthless, weak, dependent, insecure, unstable, impulsive, depressed, rebellious, obsessive, self-destructive, and so much more.  Yes, this is you we’re describing.

            So, you’re still struggling?  Yeah, you always will.  Now look around you, do you really want to be average? Either way, you are and always will be.  You’re not any better than that on your own. However, what you believe in is.

            Our God is bigger than you, your life, your world, and everything you go through.  Our God is worthy, strong, independent, secure, stable, calm, perfect, just, level, encouraging, and so much more. 

            Stop the self-pity, step back, and look at life.  Our God is almighty!  We are nothing but His creation, so, who are we to live for ourselves?  Who are we to continue falling into our evil and sinful demons?  You may be able to handle it now, but you will get nowhere with out our Creator, our God.




“ When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none.  Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order.  Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first.  So also will it be with this evil generation.”

                                                                                                            Matthew 12:43-45

Saturday, June 1, 2013

When life should be so bright, I fight the dark.


& When I am the happiest,
when things work out so well,
when I am praising God in overwhelming humbleness,
I am struck.

My clothes don't fit,
I wasn't even trying,
but I lost all the weight I worked so hard to gain.

It is hard to recover when your body won't.
The over sized clothes is a trigger,
my mind is so wired to starve.

I accidentally look for ways to get out of meals,
lie without thinking of what I'm doing,
my appetite is non-existent.

You may think that's a silly excuse,
but my body works off of appetite.
I have to have a taste or a craving,
I can't eat things I'm not in the mood for or don't like,
I seriously can't,
I throw up impulsively.

& now,
in the midst of my happiness,
I am struck.
The worst part is, it is all my own,
something I consider private,
an issue I don't like to burden anyone with.

I feel it stronger day to day.
I keep praying if I work hard enough it will go away.
I still eat,
but it's my mind set I feel slipping.

The way I feel when I look into the mirror,
the moment of evil happiness that surges through me when my clothes are too big,
the smile I get when people say how tiny I am,
the way I dread to eat around crowds of people,
how anxiety overwhelms me when those crowds of people talk about my eating habits,
the control I feel when I train my body to handle skipping a meal.

I don't want to change,
but I feel it.
I speak in faith that I will never become the monster I was,
I will never hurt so many people,
I will never reject such a giving God,
I will never kill myself in such a slow and painful manner for everyone to watch,
I will never be that alone again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sorry for the language on the following pic)