Its been a while.
However, I need to vent;
and quite frankly, believe it or not,
I'm far too shy to be as blunt as I feel to anyone's face.
I'm terrified.
I'm going to my Boys and Girls Club Youth of the Year regional competition this Tuesday-Friday. No, I'm not afraid of winning or losing for the shear game of competitiveness. This is about me and God.
Does that sound selfish?
My life, of course, is about God and others.
This competition, this is God's.
You see, I have a dream. God has given me a dream. From my current stand point it is impossible. But I'm not going to fulfill it, God is. I'm scared this competition will stress me out, cause me to focus on me, and I will lose this chance for amazing opportunities. This position is a blessing, enabling me to step so much closer to the impossible. This is solely about God. I do not want to take this from him. I need to change this world, reinvent the orphanage, improve social services as a whole. I have to. I sound silly, but it feels so much more important than it looks to you, I'm sure.
So yes, maybe I have my own flaws,
My own imperfections,
but my God is so much stronger!
I am not doing this.
He is.
I am jealous, I have abandonment issues, I get overwhelmed and stressed, sometimes I fight the urge to hurt myself, I have poor eating habits, I like to weigh under 100lbs, I feel more pressure than normal in social situations, I feel the need to be perfect, I am an idealist, I take on more than I can handle to find a sense of accomplishment, and mostly I have to try hard not to hate myself.
But I'm not going to change this world.
God is.
I just yearn to be His vessel, and I'm terrified I'll mess it up.
I'm scared to lose my chance.
Because if I don't take on this challenge, someone else will.
So to end my rant of frivolous words,
please pray for me.
Pray my heart stays focused on God, that this competition will be in His hands alone and that my part in it will be guided by Him. I have found love in my life, the forever kind of love, but this isn't a burden for sweet David, this is God's alone. Please, pray that this week I will walk into my future, and God will handle every step using me to change the world in the way He has laid on my heart.
Thank you, for sticking around this long. (;
God bless you all.
-andriadawn
