Living the college life

College is overrated.

Glorified high school some like to say.

There are a lot of people, 

a lot of walking,

and I get to be invisible all over again.

Don't get me wrong,

the whole invisible things is to my advantage as a writer.

I get to see people,

see how normal people react and how they cope.

The whole atmosphere here, however,

triggers my depression.

Unfortunately the cafeteria triggers my ED.

I can remember the caf when I was small.

It started in pre-K.

I have always been picky,

I believe I probably has a food sensory problem,

but we ate in the caf in pre-K,

and they wouldn't let my mum send a lunch for me.

People made fun of me,

for not eating what they were,

and my eating habits got worse,

I got used to living off of snacks and junk.

I tried the caf at school when I started school,

but as stated before,

I've always been super picky.

Not to mention someone else made it,

and who knew if they washed their hands,

or let my food touch, and thoughts like that disgusted me.

Then I grew increasingly uncomfortable around food,

the smells and textures grossed me out,

and watching people eat made me sick.

I hated eating around people,

and I hated going through the line and holding a tray of food that sickened me.

I stopped going through the line and my teachers got worried.

Once my mother was notified she grew concerned.

She started packing me a lunch.

I began giving my sandwiches away, 

and only ate the snacks for lunch.

I couldn't stand to think of someone touching my food,

or it not being fresh,

or eating it in front of someone.

By second grade I got caught giving my sandwich away on the bus,

my brothers told my mum,

and I had to find a new game plan.

For years I threw it away,

never touched it,

occasionally I forgot and my mother found it.

As I got older,

I was expected to take care of myself.

We couldn't really afford snacks,

so I never brought a lunch.

The worst part of every day was lunch,

I hated sitting in the cafeteria, 

filthy with food.

Especially after I was consumed with my eating disorder.

That uncomfort never went away.

Even now, while I'm here recovered.

And that is an overview of the worst part of my life.

Out of the yelling,

the fighting,

angry parents,

a troubled childhood,

broken family,

self-inflicted pain,

the worst was the food, and the caf,

I hate food, and food related things.

I have had to find ways to cope,

and it hasn't been easy.

And all I eat still is junk.

Today I ate at the caf,

and everything came flooding back.

I felt 

small,

weak,

fragile,

uncomfortable,

less,

overwhelmed,

and consumed.

So today, I pray to God that college doesn't break me.

I'm not normal,

I'm not like these people,

but I am a child of God,

a servant of God,

and I'm relying on him.

If you made it this far, I'm asking you for something.

I want your story.

Your honest story,

and I will post it anonymously,

so no one will know its you.

Lets change lives,

lets let people know what we have been through 

and where we are.

Email it to andriadawn321@gmail.com.

and share this blog for others to send their story in to.

Lets be pro active.