When life should be so bright, I fight the dark.

& When I am the happiest,
when things work out so well,
when I am praising God in overwhelming humbleness,
I am struck.

My clothes don't fit,
I wasn't even trying,
but I lost all the weight I worked so hard to gain.

It is hard to recover when your body won't.
The over sized clothes is a trigger,
my mind is so wired to starve.

I accidentally look for ways to get out of meals,
lie without thinking of what I'm doing,
my appetite is non-existent.

You may think that's a silly excuse,
but my body works off of appetite.
I have to have a taste or a craving,
I can't eat things I'm not in the mood for or don't like,
I seriously can't,
I throw up impulsively.

& now,
in the midst of my happiness,
I am struck.
The worst part is, it is all my own,
something I consider private,
an issue I don't like to burden anyone with.

I feel it stronger day to day.
I keep praying if I work hard enough it will go away.
I still eat,
but it's my mind set I feel slipping.

The way I feel when I look into the mirror,
the moment of evil happiness that surges through me when my clothes are too big,
the smile I get when people say how tiny I am,
the way I dread to eat around crowds of people,
how anxiety overwhelms me when those crowds of people talk about my eating habits,
the control I feel when I train my body to handle skipping a meal.

I don't want to change,
but I feel it.
I speak in faith that I will never become the monster I was,
I will never hurt so many people,
I will never reject such a giving God,
I will never kill myself in such a slow and painful manner for everyone to watch,
I will never be that alone again.
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(Sorry for the language on the following pic)

Fall Arives

Mmmm.
Cool mornings,
cooler evenings,
sweaters,
colored leaves that fall,
seasonal depression,
colds,
runny noses,
AMAZING inspiration.

God moves me in the fall weather,
the season I struggle the most,
transitioning from happy sunny skies,
to the sad cool breeze.

In my weakness,
He is made strong.
My struggles bring out the best in me,
and I feel like a writer again.

Yes,
I am a writer.
One day,
I will be a published writer.
I am determined.

Dreams,
for me they never end.
They grow,
and they multiply.
I know exactly what I want,
I WILL get it.

Today,
words have consumed me,
meaningless,
leading no where,
and here I am,
sharing them,
wasting your time.

I apologize for that.
Quick update,
I have become less concerned with my body,
further away from my eating disorder,
but the most triggering time of the year is sneaking up,
so please,
prayer warriors,
pray strong.

College is bearable.
Life is continuing.
I just believe I can do more than this.
I am more than this.

Stay blessed,
stay reading,
there is much better to come,
I promise!

Thank you for your eyes and time.
-andriadawn

I lied

I said you never get over an eating disorder entirely.
I lied.
God can do anything,
everything.
What I was implying,
You can recover,
no doubt,
but there are always triggers.
You have to fight that,
you have to chose to fall back or stand strong.

My fault is how easily I fall back.
Its not a pill you can take,
you don't get well or get over it,
you fight a brutal war,
you set your ship to sail,
and when the wind starts to tip you over,
you adjust your sails.

One day, you look in the mirror,
and you laugh,
oh my goodness,
what a great laugh of relief.

If your as lucky as I was,
there will be two or three people,
they will bend over backwards to understand whats wrong,
they dont leave,
they love with out conditions,
they pray for you,
cry for you,
and pick you up when you fall down.

Those people got me through the worst part of my disorder,
the scariest part,
when I questioned God,
when I was so small i was almost happy with myself,
When I almost dies,
when I was okay with that.

THERE IS HOPE,
no matter how far you are,
there is more than existance,
there is a life to live.

I apoligize for my misconcepted words,
God is bigger and stronger than any demon you have,
unless you feed your demon,
and keep your demon,
and walk him,
and love him,
then God can do nothing with his bigness and strongness,
because you nurture the demon instead of your faith.

People, GOD IS MORE THAN YOU CAN GET ON EARTH!
Why are we playing games?
We''re at the club,
drinking underage,
having sex and babies like rabbits,
smoking,
starving,
self-destructing,
We are searching the world for purpose and completeness.

Don't get me wrong,
No baby is a mistake,
no person is stupid,
but we do some pretty stupid stuff.

God has offered us purpose,
completeness,
unconditional love,
everything we look for!

I can't make you do anything,
but I can advise you to save yourself the heartache,
and give God a shot.

I was hopeless,
I was gone,
I was dead,
I was no one,
and now I'm on a mission,
to make an impact in this world.

You are worth more,
You deserve greatess,
You deserve to be okay,
God deserves you,
but thats your decision.

thank you for your eyes and time.
-andriadawnmcmillen

Regrets...

That is what hurts the most.
The regrets.
So many people,
who were so close,
or supposed to be,
and now their gone.
I am left with my regrets.

Why?
Why wasn't I who I should have been?
Why didn't I try harder?
It's too late to be who I wanted to be now.

Over and over again this happens...
I am always left with regrets.

Death terrifies me.
Not mine,
but other peoples.
I don't know how I would handle myself.

The thought of losing some people tears me apart.
MAD respect for all of you out there who survive through the lost of loved ones.

I guess that I have,
but I can't look back and tell you how.

Well other than that,
I can honestly say I've lost control of myself  a few times,
the stress of life and perfection have gotten through.
More accurately,
Satan got through.
Boy, that's hard to admit.

My scale read 92.4,
and I got great joy from that,
all I could think for two days straight,
" If I get below 90, its a danger zone,
I won't be able to stop myself."
I didn't consume my mind with those words with worry,
but rather excitement.
That makes my stomach turn,
to know that person is still in there.

beauty is NOT a size, a look, clothes, makeup, or acceptance,
beauty is a FEELING.
I feel beautiful when I am comfortable with myself.
Who is to judge you because your comfortable with different things than other people?
Unfortunately,
Satan tries to convince me that I feel beautiful with social acceptance,
or with a certain weight.

For am I looking for the approval of man or God?  If I were looking for the approval of man I would not be a servant of God.
Galatians 1:10

That verse is posted on my mirror,
because I AM a servant of God.

Well, I have taken on my life,
and I am doing it with zeal.
Church, Bible, College, Assistant Manager, Ballet.
I am fully relliant on God,
because it is not by my own strength I can do this.
I do have this amazing blessing helping me all along the way,
His name is David,
and I am so glad God brought us together.

Well, there it is guys.
My life in a nutshell as of late.
Thank you for your eyes and internet service,
stay in tune for the next expression of pointless emotion.

God bless,
Andria Dawn McMillen.