Everyday, it is war.

Here lie the remnants of what was once a stable life.  Every night you sleep in fear of what waits in the morning.  You have done all you can to be the best version of yourself, yet still the life around you remains shaky.

            Have things ever been any different?  Have the knots in your stomach ever not been there?  Sure, once upon a time you fit in with your surroundings.  Once upon a time you were weak, dependent  insecure, unstable, impulsive, depressed, rebellious, obsessive, self-destructive, and so much more.  Yes, this is your eating disorder we’re describing.

            So, you still struggle?  You still want to fall into that person?  Look around you, do you honestly wish to fit into the chaos?  Are you not any better than that?

            Your right, you’re not any better than that, but what you believe in is.  What you've grounded yourself in is strong, and much bigger than your struggles.  Your background is polluted, your roots are disintegrating; however your renewal is eternal, and your repentance is pure.

            Yes, your surroundings reflect the person you were, and the person you were working to become.  Yes, returning would be easy.  No, it’s not worth it.  No, your life does not have to be as condemned as you once were.

            In clarification, I’d like to state that you are nothing.  You are worthless, weak, dependent, insecure, unstable, impulsive, depressed, rebellious, obsessive, self-destructive, and so much more.  Yes, this is you we’re describing.

            So, you’re still struggling?  Yeah, you always will.  Now look around you, do you really want to be average? Either way, you are and always will be.  You’re not any better than that on your own. However, what you believe in is.

            Our God is bigger than you, your life, your world, and everything you go through.  Our God is worthy, strong, independent, secure, stable, calm, perfect, just, level, encouraging, and so much more. 

            Stop the self-pity, step back, and look at life.  Our God is almighty!  We are nothing but His creation, so, who are we to live for ourselves?  Who are we to continue falling into our evil and sinful demons?  You may be able to handle it now, but you will get nowhere with out our Creator, our God.

“ When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none.  Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order.  Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first.  So also will it be with this evil generation.”

                                                                                                            Matthew 12:43-45

When life should be so bright, I fight the dark.

& When I am the happiest,
when things work out so well,
when I am praising God in overwhelming humbleness,
I am struck.

My clothes don't fit,
I wasn't even trying,
but I lost all the weight I worked so hard to gain.

It is hard to recover when your body won't.
The over sized clothes is a trigger,
my mind is so wired to starve.

I accidentally look for ways to get out of meals,
lie without thinking of what I'm doing,
my appetite is non-existent.

You may think that's a silly excuse,
but my body works off of appetite.
I have to have a taste or a craving,
I can't eat things I'm not in the mood for or don't like,
I seriously can't,
I throw up impulsively.

& now,
in the midst of my happiness,
I am struck.
The worst part is, it is all my own,
something I consider private,
an issue I don't like to burden anyone with.

I feel it stronger day to day.
I keep praying if I work hard enough it will go away.
I still eat,
but it's my mind set I feel slipping.

The way I feel when I look into the mirror,
the moment of evil happiness that surges through me when my clothes are too big,
the smile I get when people say how tiny I am,
the way I dread to eat around crowds of people,
how anxiety overwhelms me when those crowds of people talk about my eating habits,
the control I feel when I train my body to handle skipping a meal.

I don't want to change,
but I feel it.
I speak in faith that I will never become the monster I was,
I will never hurt so many people,
I will never reject such a giving God,
I will never kill myself in such a slow and painful manner for everyone to watch,
I will never be that alone again.
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(Sorry for the language on the following pic)

Fall Arives

Mmmm.
Cool mornings,
cooler evenings,
sweaters,
colored leaves that fall,
seasonal depression,
colds,
runny noses,
AMAZING inspiration.

God moves me in the fall weather,
the season I struggle the most,
transitioning from happy sunny skies,
to the sad cool breeze.

In my weakness,
He is made strong.
My struggles bring out the best in me,
and I feel like a writer again.

Yes,
I am a writer.
One day,
I will be a published writer.
I am determined.

Dreams,
for me they never end.
They grow,
and they multiply.
I know exactly what I want,
I WILL get it.

Today,
words have consumed me,
meaningless,
leading no where,
and here I am,
sharing them,
wasting your time.

I apologize for that.
Quick update,
I have become less concerned with my body,
further away from my eating disorder,
but the most triggering time of the year is sneaking up,
so please,
prayer warriors,
pray strong.

College is bearable.
Life is continuing.
I just believe I can do more than this.
I am more than this.

Stay blessed,
stay reading,
there is much better to come,
I promise!

Thank you for your eyes and time.
-andriadawn

I lied

I said you never get over an eating disorder entirely.
I lied.
God can do anything,
everything.
What I was implying,
You can recover,
no doubt,
but there are always triggers.
You have to fight that,
you have to chose to fall back or stand strong.

My fault is how easily I fall back.
Its not a pill you can take,
you don't get well or get over it,
you fight a brutal war,
you set your ship to sail,
and when the wind starts to tip you over,
you adjust your sails.

One day, you look in the mirror,
and you laugh,
oh my goodness,
what a great laugh of relief.

If your as lucky as I was,
there will be two or three people,
they will bend over backwards to understand whats wrong,
they dont leave,
they love with out conditions,
they pray for you,
cry for you,
and pick you up when you fall down.

Those people got me through the worst part of my disorder,
the scariest part,
when I questioned God,
when I was so small i was almost happy with myself,
When I almost dies,
when I was okay with that.

THERE IS HOPE,
no matter how far you are,
there is more than existance,
there is a life to live.

I apoligize for my misconcepted words,
God is bigger and stronger than any demon you have,
unless you feed your demon,
and keep your demon,
and walk him,
and love him,
then God can do nothing with his bigness and strongness,
because you nurture the demon instead of your faith.

People, GOD IS MORE THAN YOU CAN GET ON EARTH!
Why are we playing games?
We''re at the club,
drinking underage,
having sex and babies like rabbits,
smoking,
starving,
self-destructing,
We are searching the world for purpose and completeness.

Don't get me wrong,
No baby is a mistake,
no person is stupid,
but we do some pretty stupid stuff.

God has offered us purpose,
completeness,
unconditional love,
everything we look for!

I can't make you do anything,
but I can advise you to save yourself the heartache,
and give God a shot.

I was hopeless,
I was gone,
I was dead,
I was no one,
and now I'm on a mission,
to make an impact in this world.

You are worth more,
You deserve greatess,
You deserve to be okay,
God deserves you,
but thats your decision.

thank you for your eyes and time.
-andriadawnmcmillen

Living the college life

College is overrated.

Glorified high school some like to say.

There are a lot of people, 

a lot of walking,

and I get to be invisible all over again.

Don't get me wrong,

the whole invisible things is to my advantage as a writer.

I get to see people,

see how normal people react and how they cope.

The whole atmosphere here, however,

triggers my depression.

Unfortunately the cafeteria triggers my ED.

I can remember the caf when I was small.

It started in pre-K.

I have always been picky,

I believe I probably has a food sensory problem,

but we ate in the caf in pre-K,

and they wouldn't let my mum send a lunch for me.

People made fun of me,

for not eating what they were,

and my eating habits got worse,

I got used to living off of snacks and junk.

I tried the caf at school when I started school,

but as stated before,

I've always been super picky.

Not to mention someone else made it,

and who knew if they washed their hands,

or let my food touch, and thoughts like that disgusted me.

Then I grew increasingly uncomfortable around food,

the smells and textures grossed me out,

and watching people eat made me sick.

I hated eating around people,

and I hated going through the line and holding a tray of food that sickened me.

I stopped going through the line and my teachers got worried.

Once my mother was notified she grew concerned.

She started packing me a lunch.

I began giving my sandwiches away, 

and only ate the snacks for lunch.

I couldn't stand to think of someone touching my food,

or it not being fresh,

or eating it in front of someone.

By second grade I got caught giving my sandwich away on the bus,

my brothers told my mum,

and I had to find a new game plan.

For years I threw it away,

never touched it,

occasionally I forgot and my mother found it.

As I got older,

I was expected to take care of myself.

We couldn't really afford snacks,

so I never brought a lunch.

The worst part of every day was lunch,

I hated sitting in the cafeteria, 

filthy with food.

Especially after I was consumed with my eating disorder.

That uncomfort never went away.

Even now, while I'm here recovered.

And that is an overview of the worst part of my life.

Out of the yelling,

the fighting,

angry parents,

a troubled childhood,

broken family,

self-inflicted pain,

the worst was the food, and the caf,

I hate food, and food related things.

I have had to find ways to cope,

and it hasn't been easy.

And all I eat still is junk.

Today I ate at the caf,

and everything came flooding back.

I felt 

small,

weak,

fragile,

uncomfortable,

less,

overwhelmed,

and consumed.

So today, I pray to God that college doesn't break me.

I'm not normal,

I'm not like these people,

but I am a child of God,

a servant of God,

and I'm relying on him.

If you made it this far, I'm asking you for something.

I want your story.

Your honest story,

and I will post it anonymously,

so no one will know its you.

Lets change lives,

lets let people know what we have been through 

and where we are.

Email it to andriadawn321@gmail.com.

and share this blog for others to send their story in to.

Lets be pro active.