When life should be so bright, I fight the dark.

& When I am the happiest,
when things work out so well,
when I am praising God in overwhelming humbleness,
I am struck.

My clothes don't fit,
I wasn't even trying,
but I lost all the weight I worked so hard to gain.

It is hard to recover when your body won't.
The over sized clothes is a trigger,
my mind is so wired to starve.

I accidentally look for ways to get out of meals,
lie without thinking of what I'm doing,
my appetite is non-existent.

You may think that's a silly excuse,
but my body works off of appetite.
I have to have a taste or a craving,
I can't eat things I'm not in the mood for or don't like,
I seriously can't,
I throw up impulsively.

& now,
in the midst of my happiness,
I am struck.
The worst part is, it is all my own,
something I consider private,
an issue I don't like to burden anyone with.

I feel it stronger day to day.
I keep praying if I work hard enough it will go away.
I still eat,
but it's my mind set I feel slipping.

The way I feel when I look into the mirror,
the moment of evil happiness that surges through me when my clothes are too big,
the smile I get when people say how tiny I am,
the way I dread to eat around crowds of people,
how anxiety overwhelms me when those crowds of people talk about my eating habits,
the control I feel when I train my body to handle skipping a meal.

I don't want to change,
but I feel it.
I speak in faith that I will never become the monster I was,
I will never hurt so many people,
I will never reject such a giving God,
I will never kill myself in such a slow and painful manner for everyone to watch,
I will never be that alone again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sorry for the language on the following pic)

Lonely /:

^ this is Lite the kitten. David and my little Kitty.

Anxiety.
I wish it was as easy to handle as people believe.
I struggle.
I know,
I can do all things through Christ,
but I am human,
and lets face it,
we all struggle.

Have you ever felt so alone,
even though you weren't?
I sure do.

The people who used to love my unique sense on life,
now criticize me over it.
The people who said they would always be there,
have their own cliques now.
The people who praised me for not judging them,
haven't hesitated to judge me by what they don't know.

I have a background,
I have history,
my life hasn't always been peachy.
I HAVE done good for myself.
But that doesn't come into the equation,
because everyone is quick to assume the worst.

I have a lot to handle,
just like we all do.
I have huge dreams,
I want to reach out to the unloved.
Unfortunately the people who used to support that,
they would now rather stay in their comfort zones.

So, I feel alone.
But my God is stronger.
So I will continue through this struggle.

Godbless
-andriadawn