When life should be so bright, I fight the dark.

& When I am the happiest,
when things work out so well,
when I am praising God in overwhelming humbleness,
I am struck.

My clothes don't fit,
I wasn't even trying,
but I lost all the weight I worked so hard to gain.

It is hard to recover when your body won't.
The over sized clothes is a trigger,
my mind is so wired to starve.

I accidentally look for ways to get out of meals,
lie without thinking of what I'm doing,
my appetite is non-existent.

You may think that's a silly excuse,
but my body works off of appetite.
I have to have a taste or a craving,
I can't eat things I'm not in the mood for or don't like,
I seriously can't,
I throw up impulsively.

& now,
in the midst of my happiness,
I am struck.
The worst part is, it is all my own,
something I consider private,
an issue I don't like to burden anyone with.

I feel it stronger day to day.
I keep praying if I work hard enough it will go away.
I still eat,
but it's my mind set I feel slipping.

The way I feel when I look into the mirror,
the moment of evil happiness that surges through me when my clothes are too big,
the smile I get when people say how tiny I am,
the way I dread to eat around crowds of people,
how anxiety overwhelms me when those crowds of people talk about my eating habits,
the control I feel when I train my body to handle skipping a meal.

I don't want to change,
but I feel it.
I speak in faith that I will never become the monster I was,
I will never hurt so many people,
I will never reject such a giving God,
I will never kill myself in such a slow and painful manner for everyone to watch,
I will never be that alone again.
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(Sorry for the language on the following pic)

Naked, in front of the crowd.

So, I have come to realize that when things begin to bother me, I shut down.  I push people away to assure no one will care during my break down.  I put up walls and try hard to be as strong as I can.
But let's be honest, I'm human.
I've now decided to use my blog to overcome this problem.
I will stand naked in front of the crowd.
(don't feel bad, I started singing Anna Nalick 'just breathe; as well.)
I will open up my heart to my few blog readers, who probably could care less.
Consider yourself a professional psychologist.

You ever feel alone, even though there are people around always?  I sure do.  I've managed to push everyone who mattered away.  Except my dearly beloved David of course.  Unfortunately, he can't be everything, as hard as he tries.

You know how you have that best friend?  The one you can fool around with, hang out with, talk to, cry to? The one your never seen without?  Your maid of honor, your kid's god mother, your partner in crime, the one person you trust with anything?  The one person who cares if you live or die, the one who would cover for you no strings attached, that person you take a million pictures with, that person who supports your bad decisions?  Someone who is there when everyone is gone, someone who understands when no one else does, that one person who isn't your beloved, but meets all the same requirements?

I've had a few.
And I've managed to burn every bridge.
I come up with stupid things that don't really matter to push them away.
Every last person.
Because, I don't know how to deal with my emotions, and I don't want anyone else to care.
Why?
Because, I want desperately to be as strong as I try to look.
If I let someone in, they know the truth.  They see me when I'm hurt, when I'm a mess, when I'm less than perfect.

You can't truly heal from an eating disorder.
I mean, I eat, and I make daily attempts to unconditionally love myself.
But the whole strive for perfection thing lingers.
Even if its only for outward appearances.
Which is so against all my morals and beliefs.
Plus, my relationship with food is still totally weird, like i just hate some foods.  The smell, texture, i couldn't even get past any of that to get to taste.  And social eating events, oh my word, talk about an anxiety waiting to happen.  Its so difficult to handle, especially when no one understands.

So, I push people away.
Mostly so I appear, normal, or perfect, or, different than me.
Because lets face it,
I am a weird one.

There is my daily confession.

Would it be too much to ask for yours???

God bless
-andriadawn