I lied

I said you never get over an eating disorder entirely.
I lied.
God can do anything,
everything.
What I was implying,
You can recover,
no doubt,
but there are always triggers.
You have to fight that,
you have to chose to fall back or stand strong.

My fault is how easily I fall back.
Its not a pill you can take,
you don't get well or get over it,
you fight a brutal war,
you set your ship to sail,
and when the wind starts to tip you over,
you adjust your sails.

One day, you look in the mirror,
and you laugh,
oh my goodness,
what a great laugh of relief.

If your as lucky as I was,
there will be two or three people,
they will bend over backwards to understand whats wrong,
they dont leave,
they love with out conditions,
they pray for you,
cry for you,
and pick you up when you fall down.

Those people got me through the worst part of my disorder,
the scariest part,
when I questioned God,
when I was so small i was almost happy with myself,
When I almost dies,
when I was okay with that.

THERE IS HOPE,
no matter how far you are,
there is more than existance,
there is a life to live.

I apoligize for my misconcepted words,
God is bigger and stronger than any demon you have,
unless you feed your demon,
and keep your demon,
and walk him,
and love him,
then God can do nothing with his bigness and strongness,
because you nurture the demon instead of your faith.

People, GOD IS MORE THAN YOU CAN GET ON EARTH!
Why are we playing games?
We''re at the club,
drinking underage,
having sex and babies like rabbits,
smoking,
starving,
self-destructing,
We are searching the world for purpose and completeness.

Don't get me wrong,
No baby is a mistake,
no person is stupid,
but we do some pretty stupid stuff.

God has offered us purpose,
completeness,
unconditional love,
everything we look for!

I can't make you do anything,
but I can advise you to save yourself the heartache,
and give God a shot.

I was hopeless,
I was gone,
I was dead,
I was no one,
and now I'm on a mission,
to make an impact in this world.

You are worth more,
You deserve greatess,
You deserve to be okay,
God deserves you,
but thats your decision.

thank you for your eyes and time.
-andriadawnmcmillen

Respect.

People deserve a certain level of respect.
All people.
You should show that respect out of the decency of being a human.

Treat people better than you'd like to be treated.
Be nice to company.
Hold open a door.
Pull out a woman's seat.

Put away childish matters,
Act like someone you would respect.

Today I went to college orientation.
Whoo.
Meet new people.
No classes with David.
/:

My BFF Cammi came to orientation with me.
Yay.
Now I'm stuck in my struggle.
What do I deserve?

Well sorry for lack of pics.
thanks for reading.

godbless
-andriadawn

Naked, in front of the crowd.

So, I have come to realize that when things begin to bother me, I shut down.  I push people away to assure no one will care during my break down.  I put up walls and try hard to be as strong as I can.
But let's be honest, I'm human.
I've now decided to use my blog to overcome this problem.
I will stand naked in front of the crowd.
(don't feel bad, I started singing Anna Nalick 'just breathe; as well.)
I will open up my heart to my few blog readers, who probably could care less.
Consider yourself a professional psychologist.

You ever feel alone, even though there are people around always?  I sure do.  I've managed to push everyone who mattered away.  Except my dearly beloved David of course.  Unfortunately, he can't be everything, as hard as he tries.

You know how you have that best friend?  The one you can fool around with, hang out with, talk to, cry to? The one your never seen without?  Your maid of honor, your kid's god mother, your partner in crime, the one person you trust with anything?  The one person who cares if you live or die, the one who would cover for you no strings attached, that person you take a million pictures with, that person who supports your bad decisions?  Someone who is there when everyone is gone, someone who understands when no one else does, that one person who isn't your beloved, but meets all the same requirements?

I've had a few.
And I've managed to burn every bridge.
I come up with stupid things that don't really matter to push them away.
Every last person.
Because, I don't know how to deal with my emotions, and I don't want anyone else to care.
Why?
Because, I want desperately to be as strong as I try to look.
If I let someone in, they know the truth.  They see me when I'm hurt, when I'm a mess, when I'm less than perfect.

You can't truly heal from an eating disorder.
I mean, I eat, and I make daily attempts to unconditionally love myself.
But the whole strive for perfection thing lingers.
Even if its only for outward appearances.
Which is so against all my morals and beliefs.
Plus, my relationship with food is still totally weird, like i just hate some foods.  The smell, texture, i couldn't even get past any of that to get to taste.  And social eating events, oh my word, talk about an anxiety waiting to happen.  Its so difficult to handle, especially when no one understands.

So, I push people away.
Mostly so I appear, normal, or perfect, or, different than me.
Because lets face it,
I am a weird one.

There is my daily confession.

Would it be too much to ask for yours???

God bless
-andriadawn