imperfect beauty

Here I am; Human, imperfect, and beautiful. 

Beauty.  The definitions are endless.

Webster’s dictionary says this: beau’ty n., pl. –ties  1 pleasing quality as in looks, sound, etc.  2 person or thing of beauty

Webster’s thesaurus says this: beautiful a. lovely, attractive, appealing, comely, pleasing, pretty, fair, fine, nice, dainty, good-looking, delightful, charming, enticing, fascinating, admirable, rich, graceful, ideal, delicate, refined, elegant, symmetrical, well-formed, shapely, well-made, splendid, gorgeous, brilliant, radiant, exquisite, dazzling, resplendent, magnificent, superb, marvelous, wonderful, grand, awe-inspiring, imposing, majestic, excellent, impressive, handsome, divine, blooming, rosy, beauteous, statuesque, well-favored, bewitching, personable, taking, alluring, slender, svelte, lissome, lithe, bright-eyed, classy*, easy on the eyes*, long on looks*, built*. -Ant. Ugly, deformed, hideous.

According to Webster, very few things don’t fall into the category of beautiful. To be exact, beautiful has 64 synonyms versus 3 antonyms.  Even the words you’ll find as antonyms could very possibly still hold features that could be considered beautiful.

Why do we thrive on negativity?  Why do we look past all 64 synonyms of beautiful to only see the three antonyms?  Often times we make things up to be ugly, and deformed, and hideous, but in all actuality everything holds beauty of some sort.  We are wonderfully made and carefully created by the hands of God.  He gave us His very breath!  Why do we allow Satan to attract us to everything ugly and deformed and hideous? 

I am imperfect, I am ugly, I am deformed, and I am hideous.

I am beautiful, I am lovely, I am attractive, I am appealing, I am comely, I am pleasing, I am pretty, I am fair, I am fine, I am nice, I am dainty, I am good-looking, I am delightful, I am charming, I am enticing, I am fascinating, I am admirable, I am rich, I am graceful, I am ideal, I am delicate, I am refined, I am exquisite, I am dazzling, I am resplendent, I am magnificent, I am superb, I am marvelous, I am wonderful, I am grand, I am awe-inspiring, I am imposing, I am majestic, I am excellent, I am impressive, I am handsome, I am divine, I am blooming, I am rosy, I am beauteous, I am statuesque, I am well-favored, I am bewitching, I am personable, I am taking, I am alluring, I am slender, I am svelte, I am lissome, I am lithe, I am bright-eyed, I am classy, I am easy on the eyes, I am long on looks, and I am built. 

It may not be in the common sense or exact definition of the word, but by the glory of God alone.

And so are you.

We are human. We are imperfect. We are beautiful.

Say it out loud, and proclaim the truths given to you by an almighty creator.

---andriadawn---

off track

Everyone’s laughter encased her as salt-infested tears attempted to drown this frail 17-year-old girl.  Shiny red hair hung limply around a pale freckled-face.  The world slowly became a blur and Sam’s weak knees buckled under.  Crawling backwards in a pitiful attempt to escape, she found herself in the male, teachers’ bathroom. 
            This bathroom was rarely used, and seemed unusually tidy.  In her bare bra and underwear, she curled into the fetal position.  It was the high school’s break time, and the bell would ring for third period soon.  She heard the chatter of her peers outside and tears began to crash harder.  They didn’t understand, they didn’t know.  All they were aware of was finding her, with him, and her clothes on the floor.  They hadn’t a clue.

Sam had made it to senior year unnoticed, so what had gone wrong?  She fell for it.  She fell for him.  How could she lose sight of her logic?  What had happened to her morals?  Who was she, and how had she gotten to this point?  

Like a movie reel, she bean to play everything through her mind.  It was her life story from the beginning of senior year.  She remembered everything with vivid perception, and in detailed hue.

Dr. Kendrick asked her to stay late her seventh period class.  He mention an error on her English report, said it could pass or fail her.  Solemnly she nodded, hoping no one would look back at her. 

She was rather tall and thin with a small frame.  Her red hair fell how it wanted to, and her face held the perfect complexion.  She was invisible around her high school, but her beauty was unmistakable.  She had fell in hate with her body though, and wished to remain invisible.

  Standing quietly at Dr. Kendrick’s desk every student fled at the bell.  Sam lived close and was in no rush to return to her house or her family.  Her professor stood and shut the door, the lock clicked loudly.  “You can sit in my chair.”  He gestured and she silently obeyed.  Her big green eyes watched as he sat on the top of his desk in front of her and smiled. 

He had a rugged handsomeness that had always charmed her.  She recalled his rough steady hand on her face, and the oddness of his lips against hers.  Everything happened so quickly, and his interest made her feel beautiful.

This slowly became a routine, every afternoon she stayed late to “work on my paper.”  She recited endlessly to her parents, who she guessed didn’t care much anyway.  With a sheet over her large dresser mirror, she danced around her room.  This affair was all her own, and no one had to know.

Life became a blur of a routine, but she fit, and that’s what mattered.  Completely numb, she felt his body against hers, and she felt like a person.  She didn’t know herself, but she thought that he did. 

Weeks went by, and her grades got better.  She was quiet, brilliant, and whether she perceived it or not, gorgeous.  Everything was content, and her after school affair grew to become anytime they were alone.  Nothing ever happened between them other than intense make out sessions.  She was too self-conscience, too afraid.

Her thin lips received a smile, as she was called into his room before break, during lunch, or after school.  No one noticed their interest in each other, no one thought twice about their constant interaction. 

She soon found her way to his apartment, and her own home was rarely an option of residency.  Her career-consumed parents figured she was old enough to make her own decisions, seeing as she had made all the right ones until now.  Seventeen, and newly devious, she felt a rush as she lived in the sin she created.  Unfortunately, they both grew careless as they got away with every minute of it.

The door was unlocked, it was break, and she had finally decided to go farther than she ever had before.  Her clothes came off, and his lips were everywhere but on hers.  A loud knock, the door knob twisted, and there stood one of his students astounded by the sight.  Everyone in the hall way stopped to stare and as the tears unwillingly poured out of her eyes she grabbed her clothes and ran.

In the middle of the break area she was exposed, and her knees gave out.  Laughter encased her and all she could do was crawl backwards.  What on earth had she done to herself? 

Days later, it was graduation.  She had spent hours in the principal’s office talking to everyone who needed every detail to fire Dr. Kendrick and charge him with whatever it was they wished to charge him with.  She was lost inside herself all over again, and every memory with him was blurred and disgusting.  Her parents didn’t even dare get involved; she’d be on her own soon enough.

Cap and gown, her name was called, a few steps across the stage, she stood in shame.  She had to fix herself, she had to cleanse herself, and she had to be more than what these people expected out of her.  The ceremony closed out and she avoided most picture opts.  She had a mission, and she needed to leave.

Running across town, diploma in hand, she skidded into a church parking lot.  Tear stained face; she had reached her last hope.  There were stories of a God who creates with purpose, and loves unconditionally, one who destroyed in order to grow a civilization with more potential, and a God that could never be understood but would always forgive and cleanse and love and save. 

That was a God Sam needed, a God that saves.  Solemnly she walked through the doors and to the altar.  Who knew what would come next, she only knew it would be above expectation.

---andriadawn---

Time

                365 days in a year.  Twelve months in a year.  Weeks, days, months, years, decades, millenniums… timeframe…  Time binds us to a world we define as reality.  Who are we to define reality?  Time is of this world, but reality was here long before we were. 

                Simply because you do not understand something doesn’t make is unreal, or impossible.  In fact it makes it all the more possible!  You yourself are a complex creation, so much so that man cannot create a life form like us without existing life.  Now, if even we can’t understand ourselves, surely there is so much more beyond our comprehension.

                Follow me now, time is controlling, it makes up our materialistic life.  Now, what you see, hear, taste, feel, and smell, you define this as “real”.  Allow me to explain, real is beyond you and me.  There is a spiritual world, one we run from due to lack of understanding, this is true reality.  It was here before us, had a hand in creating us, and in the scheme of eternity, we will belong to it regardless of your personal beliefs. 

                How do we know?  How can we be sure?  Now that’s the beauty behind it all.  It’s called faith, believing without knowing.  Not knowing until after you step out and take the chance of being wrong.  It’s believing in more than yourself, more than time, more than the world around you.  Not in search of comfort, or conformity, or acceptance, but a step to changing lives, and seeing the true reality behind it all.  Time is nothing but a frame of mind to stabilize our Godless lives, because God knows no time.

                You doubt, as you’re expected to.  We only know reality as what surrounds us, what we’re familiar with.  Step out of the concept of time, and what your senses recognize, listen to your heart, and decide, will that step of faith harm anything?  What is reality?  Who are you, and is time the center of your life?

-andriadawn

Raising up

            A rising generation, some are doing exceptionally well, others are incredibly bad off.  The generation before us has fallen apart, yet were anticipated to put everything back together that you destroyed.  How are we expected to be better than we are, when who we are is already better off then you?

            We find ourselves being raised by our environments, our televisions, our video games, or friends, or friends family, our teachers, our music, anyone who will step up in our life.  How are we to know the morals you never taught us?  Teach us!  Show us!  Stop allowing us to crumble under life.

            We don’t know love, or right from wrong.  We don’t know discipline, or how to live rather than die.  Stop watching us conform to this godless world, stop letting it consume us, it’s all we know.

            God called for families to be formed, but sin has stolen that concept, and put us in broken homes filled with unnecessary anxieties.  We yearn to be a rising generation, but were learning from a falling generation.  We’re even unsure how to reach out to those younger than us. 

            You are not too old or too wise; get on your knees!  God doesn’t stop revealing Himself, and He doesn’t stop teaching us.  Life is not too busy for our creator; you’re too stubborn to grab the awesome blessings in front of you.  Stand up, and if for nothing else, do it for the generation that is dying to step up, but is without the knowledge.  

Vessel

            The whispers of Satan and his demons filled the earth with sin.  Cora heard the words of the evil that roamed the world with her.  Chills ran down her back as the heard the voice, intriguing, of death in her ear.  “ See that man?  I’m going to give him pride, then use it to strip away the love of his family.  He will be lost, distraught, and if all goes well he may take his own life.”

            Cora stepped slowly down the sidewalk to see the clueless man rested on a park bench alone.  “Stop.”  She mumbled in physical pain over   the words that filled her mind.  “ Oh, wouldn’t you like to help me?  The power of it all, its pure magic.  It’s beautiful chaos Cora, and he can make you worthy.  Help me, won’t you?”  Cora couldn’t fight her urge to feel beautiful, the chance to be more than what she was. 

“ Follow me Cora, flirt with him, let him make you feel like a goddess, let him fulfill you, its so easy!”  The serpent’s devious ways were convincing enough today.  She strutted tan legs with her intention in mind.  Her heart ached, but she tucked it away at the though of meaning something to someone.

She sat close to the man, legs touching.  She took notice of his wedding band, but would stop at nothing.  Pulling her tank top down and leaning his direction showed enough cleavage that his attention was all hers.  Not once did he look at her face, and that made her feel wonderful.  “ Great Cora!  You’re apart of the grand scheme!  Stop at nothing, and I will grant you everything!”  She was now apart of the hollow game called life.

A sly smile, some smooth words, Cora was young but far from naive.  Before all was said and done, they had a date.  He would show up at her apartment by five, and Cora felt accomplished.

All alone in her one bedroom apartment, Cora lit candles and dressed as provocatively as she could manage.  She felt needed, and beautiful.  A knock on the door, tension was broken with a pure passion of lust.  A touch, a kiss, clothing fell to the floor like confetti at Mardi Gras.  Sex was utterly fulfilling at the moment, and desperately empty as he walked out of the door.

“ Wasn’t that fantastic Cora? Don’t you want more?  Its never enough Cora, don’t give up!”  Hell breathed over her.  She dialed his number, inviting him over as often as he’d like.

Day after day, work passed quickly, and night after night, he never failed to show up.  It became routine.  Her life appeared perfect, except for the fact that every night he left her for a family he claimed to love and care for.  “ Keep trying Cora, be my vessel, when his wife finds out he will be all yours and only yours!”  The words that she once feared now engulfed her.

Another lousy day working in a slum of a gas station, a lady walked in for cigarettes.  As Cora carded her, she noticed the last name.  “ Margaret Lynn, like David Lynn?”  She asked innocently.  “ Yes! He’s my husband!”  The busy mom saw Cora’s devilish smile, and immediately caught on.  Tears welling up in her eyes, she took her cigarettes and rushed out worrisome.

As Cora arrived home she found David and his bags outside of her front door.  “ My wife, my kids, my house, its gone.  Cora, my life is over.”  Cora’s heart grew heavy with pain in it’s utmost form.  “ He is yours Cora, be thrilled, you gave him pride, destroyed the love of his family, your getting so much better at this!  Now make him feel useful, let him make you feel useful.  Have lustful sex with him, then leave him.  Do what I say and I’ll give you peace!  I’ll make you okay Cora!”  The father of lies consumed her mind, but her heart hurt too bad to forget this time. 

Letting David in, she warned him, “Don’t unpack, your wife will have you back.”  Cora’s mind screamed no, but her heart felt right.  For the first time in her entire life, she felt light, at peace with herself.  Her mind was nothing in comparison to her heart.  As she called David’s wife and sorted what she could out, she sent him on his way home.  Standing at her front door she called out to him, “ Don’t you dare come back.  Don’t do that to your family.”

It was now clear to her that chaos is not beautiful at all, and this was far from life, in fact she’d even go so far as to call it death.  Not living, but dying.  Satan was using her to destroy everything around her, and mean while she broke herself down into nothing.  There must be more than this pitiful pit she had made for herself Cora thought, If there is this much evil ruling as prince of the earth, surely there was something bigger and better.

The bells of Sunday morning range, and Cora found herself as she was in a local pastor’s office.  “ Who is this God you preach of?”  Cora wept, “ I only know so well of Satan, what else is there?”

A disordered life

Trembling with fear, she knelt down once more. A long night spent bent over a toilet was not how she had hoped to spend summer vacation.  Stomach acid ate away at her esophagus, yet she forcedly continued. 

            Who was she becoming?  How had this consumed her?  What happened to a couple diet pills and a happy life?  No, Satan doesn’t stop at borderline.  Satan works with extremes, and she was most certainly extremely consumed.

            The water was running, the scale waited, and her throat burned.  She hadn’t even eaten today, and she ran all afternoon until she couldn’t stand.  Why did this seem so necessary?  As she stood bare on her scale it read 90 lbs.  Tears streamed down her face, why was nothing good enough?  Lifting the sheet that hid her bathroom mirror, she tied a plastic string tight around her waist to cut into her stomach should it bloat out.

            There was a knock on the door.  “Adeline? Are you alright?”  It was her gullible father.  “Yes sir, just getting a late night bath to ease my muscles and calm my nerves.”  When there was no reply Adie clothed herself and walked into her bedroom.  It was late into the night, but she fixed a cup of coffee to up her metabolism. 

            The next day came with out a wink of sleep, and Adie stayed in a constant state of utter obsession.  She logged into her online community of people like herself, and spent the morning sharing tips with others.  As the day was at its hottest Adie decided to go for a run, the sweat may help her lose an extra pound.  She’d run until she passed out, if she hadn’t passed out it wasn’t enough.

            Once inside, she took a razor to her stomach.  Maybe she could cut the fat off…  “I HATE ME!”  She screamed out in her house all alone.  She cried and cried at her fingers searched to feel the bones protruding from her skin.  “God…  I can’t find myself to reach for you…” Her sobs did her no good.

            This was hers, and she wouldn’t give it up, no matter how badly she wanted to.  Nothing but black coffee and diet pills today, yet that night was spent over the toilet again. The scale read 88 lbs, and she was still not content.  Why would no one help her?  Why could no one see? 

            She yearned for someone to force her in to help, to get so bad off that she’d either die or someone would have to help.  She wouldn’t allow herself to ask for it, to scream for it, this demon commanded her to stay consumed.  If she kept this routine up, if she reached her goals, she could have herself back.  Adie knew it wasn’t true, that she was killing herself and hurting everyone around her.  She knew it would never be enough without God, but she couldn’t stop.  She had the slightest chance of being okay, and that was enough to keep her reaching for impossible goals.  82 lbs, 74 lbs, 62 lbs. 

            Adie couldn’t feel, she could barely speak or move.  She was anything but herself, and her mind wouldn’t stop.  The way she berated herself and obsessed never ceased, and she wouldn’t give it up, she didn’t know how. 

            “Please God, please, I can’t find me, allow someone to find me, let someone lead me to you God, I’m so scared.”  Adie was 85lbs, and falling apart.  She was lost, scared alone.

Who are we to watch her, and not allow God to use us to save her?  We are the body!

God wants to use us!  So you’re scared? Uncomfortable? That doesn’t matter.  Open your heart to God, and let his glory shine.  There are so many dying souls out there, and its our fault for not trying to save them.  Be the body, allow God to use you.

By: Andria Dawn

            

Who are you?

Take a moment to step back.  Ask yourself, who are you?  What defines you?  Who do other people see you as?  What do you let them define you as?

            I am nothing.  Worthless.  My God defines me, and I hope that others see me as His child.  I refuse to be defined as anything else.

            I am not my past, I am not my mistakes, I am not my family, or even their mistakes.  I am God’s creation, and I am His alone.  What about you?

            -If you’re wearing white shoes, take them off, because I’m about to step on toes.  If that makes you uncomfortable, GOOD!  The moment you get comfortable, you stop listening and working towards God, and then you are nothing that you claim to be.  We don’t need another hypocrite in this world, thanks anyway.-

            Why do we ground ourselves in a dying world?  How do we deny spirituality, when clearly it was there long before us?  We are nothing compared to the pure spirit, we are fleshly, half animal, half spirit.  We have a concept of time, and time has an ending.  However we have spirits, and spirits are for eternity.

            Our God CREATED us, destroyed us once, allowed us to repopulate, then died for us!  He wants us, wants a relationship with us, but he does NOT need us.  Why do we spit in His face constantly!  He asks for our belief, our love, our worship.  The funny part is if we could give Him that much and mean it in our heart, we would WANT to live differently!

            So you took a moment, said a prayer, claimed the name of Jesus.  Why does the world still define you?  If you claim salvation and don’t live it you’re a liar!  You’re still on the path to hell. (1 John 2:4)  God didn’t create us to destroy ourselves!  He has a true unconditional love for us, and we hurt him, always. 

            Satan disagreed with God, lied, came to earth, and polluted us with sin.  God’s very own creation degraded Him.  Oh, don’t get cocky, you’re no better.  No sin is bigger than the other, so why are you so much better than Satan?  You’re God’s creation, and you degrade His name everyday!

            You know those doubts in your mind?  Those are Satan’s demons.  The way science cuts short, doesn’t make sense, that’s Satan reassuring everything is here for our fleshly minds to not comprehend spirituality.  Our world seems more “real”?  NO!  Its not, but we are half animal, so we don’t allow ourselves to see beyond the world around us.

            The extremes that you go to, that is Satan!  Ever wonder why you always fail, always return to what you were?  Because Satan and his demons roam the earth with us, and our simple minds are not hidden to the spiritual world.  Every hidden weakness, every sore spot, God knows all!  Unfortunately, Satan and his demons know the flesh.

            We were given free will, and we don’t know how to use it.  We have to ask for the understanding we don’t have, the protection, the faith, and everything else.  We have to ask constantly to receive and keep the things we need to be extremely devoted to God, which is the ONLY extreme that proves terrible for Satan, the only extreme his demons can’t work with.

            So now, soak this all in, you claim to be one person, you live as another, and you allow the world to define you as it pleases.  So tell me, who are you really?  Because, if you’d give up your heart to The Almighty, I know who you could and should be.