Raising up

            A rising generation, some are doing exceptionally well, others are incredibly bad off.  The generation before us has fallen apart, yet were anticipated to put everything back together that you destroyed.  How are we expected to be better than we are, when who we are is already better off then you?

            We find ourselves being raised by our environments, our televisions, our video games, or friends, or friends family, our teachers, our music, anyone who will step up in our life.  How are we to know the morals you never taught us?  Teach us!  Show us!  Stop allowing us to crumble under life.

            We don’t know love, or right from wrong.  We don’t know discipline, or how to live rather than die.  Stop watching us conform to this godless world, stop letting it consume us, it’s all we know.

            God called for families to be formed, but sin has stolen that concept, and put us in broken homes filled with unnecessary anxieties.  We yearn to be a rising generation, but were learning from a falling generation.  We’re even unsure how to reach out to those younger than us. 

            You are not too old or too wise; get on your knees!  God doesn’t stop revealing Himself, and He doesn’t stop teaching us.  Life is not too busy for our creator; you’re too stubborn to grab the awesome blessings in front of you.  Stand up, and if for nothing else, do it for the generation that is dying to step up, but is without the knowledge.  

Vessel

            The whispers of Satan and his demons filled the earth with sin.  Cora heard the words of the evil that roamed the world with her.  Chills ran down her back as the heard the voice, intriguing, of death in her ear.  “ See that man?  I’m going to give him pride, then use it to strip away the love of his family.  He will be lost, distraught, and if all goes well he may take his own life.”

            Cora stepped slowly down the sidewalk to see the clueless man rested on a park bench alone.  “Stop.”  She mumbled in physical pain over   the words that filled her mind.  “ Oh, wouldn’t you like to help me?  The power of it all, its pure magic.  It’s beautiful chaos Cora, and he can make you worthy.  Help me, won’t you?”  Cora couldn’t fight her urge to feel beautiful, the chance to be more than what she was. 

“ Follow me Cora, flirt with him, let him make you feel like a goddess, let him fulfill you, its so easy!”  The serpent’s devious ways were convincing enough today.  She strutted tan legs with her intention in mind.  Her heart ached, but she tucked it away at the though of meaning something to someone.

She sat close to the man, legs touching.  She took notice of his wedding band, but would stop at nothing.  Pulling her tank top down and leaning his direction showed enough cleavage that his attention was all hers.  Not once did he look at her face, and that made her feel wonderful.  “ Great Cora!  You’re apart of the grand scheme!  Stop at nothing, and I will grant you everything!”  She was now apart of the hollow game called life.

A sly smile, some smooth words, Cora was young but far from naive.  Before all was said and done, they had a date.  He would show up at her apartment by five, and Cora felt accomplished.

All alone in her one bedroom apartment, Cora lit candles and dressed as provocatively as she could manage.  She felt needed, and beautiful.  A knock on the door, tension was broken with a pure passion of lust.  A touch, a kiss, clothing fell to the floor like confetti at Mardi Gras.  Sex was utterly fulfilling at the moment, and desperately empty as he walked out of the door.

“ Wasn’t that fantastic Cora? Don’t you want more?  Its never enough Cora, don’t give up!”  Hell breathed over her.  She dialed his number, inviting him over as often as he’d like.

Day after day, work passed quickly, and night after night, he never failed to show up.  It became routine.  Her life appeared perfect, except for the fact that every night he left her for a family he claimed to love and care for.  “ Keep trying Cora, be my vessel, when his wife finds out he will be all yours and only yours!”  The words that she once feared now engulfed her.

Another lousy day working in a slum of a gas station, a lady walked in for cigarettes.  As Cora carded her, she noticed the last name.  “ Margaret Lynn, like David Lynn?”  She asked innocently.  “ Yes! He’s my husband!”  The busy mom saw Cora’s devilish smile, and immediately caught on.  Tears welling up in her eyes, she took her cigarettes and rushed out worrisome.

As Cora arrived home she found David and his bags outside of her front door.  “ My wife, my kids, my house, its gone.  Cora, my life is over.”  Cora’s heart grew heavy with pain in it’s utmost form.  “ He is yours Cora, be thrilled, you gave him pride, destroyed the love of his family, your getting so much better at this!  Now make him feel useful, let him make you feel useful.  Have lustful sex with him, then leave him.  Do what I say and I’ll give you peace!  I’ll make you okay Cora!”  The father of lies consumed her mind, but her heart hurt too bad to forget this time. 

Letting David in, she warned him, “Don’t unpack, your wife will have you back.”  Cora’s mind screamed no, but her heart felt right.  For the first time in her entire life, she felt light, at peace with herself.  Her mind was nothing in comparison to her heart.  As she called David’s wife and sorted what she could out, she sent him on his way home.  Standing at her front door she called out to him, “ Don’t you dare come back.  Don’t do that to your family.”

It was now clear to her that chaos is not beautiful at all, and this was far from life, in fact she’d even go so far as to call it death.  Not living, but dying.  Satan was using her to destroy everything around her, and mean while she broke herself down into nothing.  There must be more than this pitiful pit she had made for herself Cora thought, If there is this much evil ruling as prince of the earth, surely there was something bigger and better.

The bells of Sunday morning range, and Cora found herself as she was in a local pastor’s office.  “ Who is this God you preach of?”  Cora wept, “ I only know so well of Satan, what else is there?”

A disordered life

Trembling with fear, she knelt down once more. A long night spent bent over a toilet was not how she had hoped to spend summer vacation.  Stomach acid ate away at her esophagus, yet she forcedly continued. 

            Who was she becoming?  How had this consumed her?  What happened to a couple diet pills and a happy life?  No, Satan doesn’t stop at borderline.  Satan works with extremes, and she was most certainly extremely consumed.

            The water was running, the scale waited, and her throat burned.  She hadn’t even eaten today, and she ran all afternoon until she couldn’t stand.  Why did this seem so necessary?  As she stood bare on her scale it read 90 lbs.  Tears streamed down her face, why was nothing good enough?  Lifting the sheet that hid her bathroom mirror, she tied a plastic string tight around her waist to cut into her stomach should it bloat out.

            There was a knock on the door.  “Adeline? Are you alright?”  It was her gullible father.  “Yes sir, just getting a late night bath to ease my muscles and calm my nerves.”  When there was no reply Adie clothed herself and walked into her bedroom.  It was late into the night, but she fixed a cup of coffee to up her metabolism. 

            The next day came with out a wink of sleep, and Adie stayed in a constant state of utter obsession.  She logged into her online community of people like herself, and spent the morning sharing tips with others.  As the day was at its hottest Adie decided to go for a run, the sweat may help her lose an extra pound.  She’d run until she passed out, if she hadn’t passed out it wasn’t enough.

            Once inside, she took a razor to her stomach.  Maybe she could cut the fat off…  “I HATE ME!”  She screamed out in her house all alone.  She cried and cried at her fingers searched to feel the bones protruding from her skin.  “God…  I can’t find myself to reach for you…” Her sobs did her no good.

            This was hers, and she wouldn’t give it up, no matter how badly she wanted to.  Nothing but black coffee and diet pills today, yet that night was spent over the toilet again. The scale read 88 lbs, and she was still not content.  Why would no one help her?  Why could no one see? 

            She yearned for someone to force her in to help, to get so bad off that she’d either die or someone would have to help.  She wouldn’t allow herself to ask for it, to scream for it, this demon commanded her to stay consumed.  If she kept this routine up, if she reached her goals, she could have herself back.  Adie knew it wasn’t true, that she was killing herself and hurting everyone around her.  She knew it would never be enough without God, but she couldn’t stop.  She had the slightest chance of being okay, and that was enough to keep her reaching for impossible goals.  82 lbs, 74 lbs, 62 lbs. 

            Adie couldn’t feel, she could barely speak or move.  She was anything but herself, and her mind wouldn’t stop.  The way she berated herself and obsessed never ceased, and she wouldn’t give it up, she didn’t know how. 

            “Please God, please, I can’t find me, allow someone to find me, let someone lead me to you God, I’m so scared.”  Adie was 85lbs, and falling apart.  She was lost, scared alone.

Who are we to watch her, and not allow God to use us to save her?  We are the body!

God wants to use us!  So you’re scared? Uncomfortable? That doesn’t matter.  Open your heart to God, and let his glory shine.  There are so many dying souls out there, and its our fault for not trying to save them.  Be the body, allow God to use you.

By: Andria Dawn

            

Who are you?

Take a moment to step back.  Ask yourself, who are you?  What defines you?  Who do other people see you as?  What do you let them define you as?

            I am nothing.  Worthless.  My God defines me, and I hope that others see me as His child.  I refuse to be defined as anything else.

            I am not my past, I am not my mistakes, I am not my family, or even their mistakes.  I am God’s creation, and I am His alone.  What about you?

            -If you’re wearing white shoes, take them off, because I’m about to step on toes.  If that makes you uncomfortable, GOOD!  The moment you get comfortable, you stop listening and working towards God, and then you are nothing that you claim to be.  We don’t need another hypocrite in this world, thanks anyway.-

            Why do we ground ourselves in a dying world?  How do we deny spirituality, when clearly it was there long before us?  We are nothing compared to the pure spirit, we are fleshly, half animal, half spirit.  We have a concept of time, and time has an ending.  However we have spirits, and spirits are for eternity.

            Our God CREATED us, destroyed us once, allowed us to repopulate, then died for us!  He wants us, wants a relationship with us, but he does NOT need us.  Why do we spit in His face constantly!  He asks for our belief, our love, our worship.  The funny part is if we could give Him that much and mean it in our heart, we would WANT to live differently!

            So you took a moment, said a prayer, claimed the name of Jesus.  Why does the world still define you?  If you claim salvation and don’t live it you’re a liar!  You’re still on the path to hell. (1 John 2:4)  God didn’t create us to destroy ourselves!  He has a true unconditional love for us, and we hurt him, always. 

            Satan disagreed with God, lied, came to earth, and polluted us with sin.  God’s very own creation degraded Him.  Oh, don’t get cocky, you’re no better.  No sin is bigger than the other, so why are you so much better than Satan?  You’re God’s creation, and you degrade His name everyday!

            You know those doubts in your mind?  Those are Satan’s demons.  The way science cuts short, doesn’t make sense, that’s Satan reassuring everything is here for our fleshly minds to not comprehend spirituality.  Our world seems more “real”?  NO!  Its not, but we are half animal, so we don’t allow ourselves to see beyond the world around us.

            The extremes that you go to, that is Satan!  Ever wonder why you always fail, always return to what you were?  Because Satan and his demons roam the earth with us, and our simple minds are not hidden to the spiritual world.  Every hidden weakness, every sore spot, God knows all!  Unfortunately, Satan and his demons know the flesh.

            We were given free will, and we don’t know how to use it.  We have to ask for the understanding we don’t have, the protection, the faith, and everything else.  We have to ask constantly to receive and keep the things we need to be extremely devoted to God, which is the ONLY extreme that proves terrible for Satan, the only extreme his demons can’t work with.

            So now, soak this all in, you claim to be one person, you live as another, and you allow the world to define you as it pleases.  So tell me, who are you really?  Because, if you’d give up your heart to The Almighty, I know who you could and should be.

Silence

Drip. Drop.  Drip. Drop.

 Water pounded from the awning to the sidewalk.

 Clip. Clop. Clip. Clop. 

Every step seemed more intense.  Each sound engraved into her mind, making her wonder if she was yet reaching insanity.  On her left she saw a boy, sitting on a bench.  With his face cradled in his hands, she saw the difficulties he faced.

 Silently, with her head bowed, she prayed.

 The cars zoomed past and the air stung her face.  She walked the busy streets of a city, an almost godless city.  From the corner of her eye, she saw a woman.  Her shirt was large and stained, and you couldn’t see her shorts.  She didn’t even bother to hide the bruises that ran up her arms like artwork.  It was no secret that she was an addict.  She yearned to reach out, to show the woman she was loved.

 Instead, with her head bowed, silently she prayed. 

It seemed suddenly she realized her surroundings.  Everyone was racing by, muttering curses with angry outlooks.  What had our world turned into?  Could absolutely no one reach out to our world?  Could no one show them that our God is real, and that we live for Him?  Why was everyone so silent about the greatest power on this earth? 

As she followed each crack in the pavement, like the cracks growing deeper in her heart, she bowed her head again, to silently pray. 

Finally, she lifted her head to see ahead of her now.  At the end of her long walk following the sidewalk, there were a grouping of boys and girls.  Dressed in black and blue, they each matched, along with every scowl. 

Her heart grew tight, and her stomach was in knots, but silently she prayed.

 A hit, a punch, a throw; silence had done nothing for this world.  A knife, a stab, a gun, a shot; she was almost too late.  Blood poured with her salt infested tears, and she cried out to the city about her God.

  With her death came revelation, and with her final tears came forgiveness from the only one who matters.

 Our Father.

By: Andria Dawn McMillen

Unforgiven

On her knees, shaky hands, she loaded her daddy’s pistol the way he taught her when she was eight.  She had done it so many times before, but now, in her empty apartment, on her living room floor, she had different intentions for its use.  This made each click register a whole new meaning.  She was absolutely certain she was meant to die! 

She had blocked out everything, and went over this a million times.  She was meant for hell.  It was just that simple.  Why else would so many terrible things have happened?  Was she supposed to grow stronger?  To hell with that, she could barely handle herself.  She was going to hell today.

Her mind was racing a mile a minute.  He seemed to be a wonderful guy!  So convincingly he talked her into her first drink.  She could feel the vodka sting her throat on the way down.  By the time it was over she was wasted, and didn’t even noticed he left her on the street alone. 

Drunkenly she staggered into an old ally way, and it was there she must have passed out.  Some sleazy man was on top of her the next she could remember.  She screamed and yelled, and he laughed.  No one came to help, not even as he beat her. 

She could see his face perfectly, each wrinkle, and his crooked grin with missing teeth.  The stench reached her nose again, and she felt his scruffy face.  Her hands trembled now more than ever.  She lay there that night and bled, with bone-crushing sadness she laid and bled.

She woke again a week later, bound by a hospital bed.  No one would talk to her, unless they were trying to get her to talk about that night.  She wouldn’t, she wouldn’t dare tell a soul the truth.  She was simply ashamed, and terrified of disappointment.  Everything was different now.  That man stole her identity, and left her with a soul who didn’t deserve eternal life.  She shouldn’t be offered heaven.

Two months later and here she was, left all alone in her apartment, and she knew where her daddy hid his pistol.  It was intended for safety reasons, however in her twisted mind she saw this to be a very big safety issue.  It was safer for everyone, before her insanity reached an all time high.  The loaded pistol now rested in her sweaty palms.

It must be done.  The gun reached her temple with an unwelcome chill, and with her index finger she applied just enough pressure.  POP!  It was sharp, intense, and very, very real.  Just like that cold dreary night, there she laid, alcohol in her system and bleeding on the floor.  She was heading to hell with an unforgivable mistake.

By: Andria Dawn McMillen

No Longer

Quietly she stood, shying back from the crowd.  She knew, somewhere in her mind, she should be hysterical right now.  Just like everyone else, crying and screaming.  Her eyes began to wander, but her vision was blurred.  Feeling quite faint, she simply walked off campus.  It didn’t matter anymore.  None of it mattered.

          Walking into the near by woods, she fell to her knees gasping for air.  Her hands clenched tightly around her rib cage, and her chest was pounding.  It felt as though her entire being were being torn apart. The pain seared like she were getting burned alive.

          Over and over she saw it.  Carl’s car slid across the ice in the parking lot.  Herself, Leah, was in the passenger seat.  It was late that night, and they were only trying to turn around.  In front of the school building, she vividly remembered the blood gushing from his neck and chest.  It took everything in her not to scream, she was careful to keep him calm.  “I am in love with you Carl.” She whispered in his ear, his body going limp.

          The ambulance, the sirens, the long night in the hospital, it seemed as if it were ages ago.  All of that in such a blur, she could remember four words very clearly when she asked to see her fiancé.  “He didn’t make it.”  These words came from a male nurse, and they were said harshly, bluntly, coldly. 

          She couldn’t believe it.  She wouldn’t believe it!  Nothing seemed real anymore, but she would not accept the facts.  Walking in to school, facing a crowd of mourning grieving students, no one even held her hand for support.  It all flew through her now.

          The pain was so immense.  How it hurt to accept it, to open her eyes to a reality she now realized she couldn’t bare.  Carl wouldn’t, or more so couldn’t, hold her hand anymore.  She was alone.  He was gone. Until she is to die herself, he will be gone.

          Seventeen years old and madly in love, that’s who she was until Saturday night.  Wait, no, she took that back.  She was still seventeen, and definitely still madly in love.  No longer was it that she would be engaged.  Her future was no longer promised.  She swore to the day that without him, she couldn’t be happy.  Without him, she couldn’t live.

By: Andria Dawn McMillen